The Athenaeum Hotel (**)

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Yes, that’s right, I just ave a 5-star hotel 2 stars. I have good reasons, all of which I have communicated to the front desk. Here’s a summary of my feedback form:

The Athenaeum Hotel’s Score
Hotel area	Hotel rating
Doorman greeting	****
It was akward when he called Sharmila “lady Mullen” when she came to get her stroller parts.
Ease of check-in	**
They had me down for 1 night, I was staying 4.
Escort to room	1/**
What escort to room? I was supposed to have an escort up here? Sweet! Kari will be pissed.
Evening Turndown	****
Weird how every other night they switched which side of the bed they wanted me to sleep on… I slept on the opposite every time, just to spite them. Oh yeah, and there was an EARWIG in my bed.
Laundry/Dry Cleaning Service	**
Done by 6 means AT OR BEFORE 6.
In-Room Standard of Comfort / Decor	**
The 1920s called, they want their stuff back. Not retro… OLD.
Control of Room Temperature	*
One button to change temperature, click once for each level, have to turn it all the way up before it will start going down. No temperature settings, just “Cold,” “Med” and “Warm.” Who the hell wants to be “COLD?!” (No pun intended)
Quality of In-Room Entertainment System	*
Holiday Inn Express puts this place to shame.
Quality of Lighting	**
CFL lights are GHETTO.

Beyond the terrible rating I just gave it, here’s a general rant about “expensive” hotels in general. I’ll keep it to bullets so you don’t fall asleep:

• Where do you get off charging $30 for breakfast? Holiday Inn has it for free. And guess what, they have EGGS and sometimes even waffles. They even slide a fresh copy of USA Today under your door and have “Express Checkout.”
• I shouldn’t have to pay street prices for your dining facilities. I’m already paying at least $200 more than al these other people, I don’t get some kind of discount?
• I shouldn’t have to make reservations at your in house dining facilities. I am living here, do you make your kids take a number and come back in an hour at home?
• I could care less if everyone in the hotel calls me “Mr. Mullen.” Okay fine, so I like that.
• Update your TVs, we’re not stupid you know, we know that piece of crap only cost you what I just paid for one night here.
• I am here so I can sleep at night. Believe me, I’m not here for your internet. I could be living at Starbucks if it weren’t for the whole sleeping thing. Your beds should be angelic. They shouldn’t squeak or be bumpy. The pillows need to be down. The sheets shouldn’t be lower than 600 thread count, and for the love of everything that’s good in this world, COTTON PEOPLE, USE FREAKING COTTON!
• We pay $20 a month for broadband at home. I cannot come to any conclusion why YOUR internet is so much better, that it costs $40 a day. The monthly equivalent is $1200 a month, roughly 60 times what mine costs. Don’t tell me you have to clean the tubes when you clean the rooms, or the trucks clog up.
• Since you don’t think we’re here for sleeping (apparently), give us comfortable office chairs at the desks. I sugest the ones in your pictures, or the ones advertised in the elevators, those look nice.
• Don’t make the desks face the wall in the corner with our backs to the TV and the door.
• I’m not going to steal your stupid hangers, why can’t you just use normal hangers so I can hang my clothes like a civilised person.
• Group people with babies together, and pad those groups by one room on either end. Babies cry all night, and I’m trying to adjust to an 8-hour time swing.
• Lower your stupid movie prices. $8.95 for a movie you can’t pause or rewind, and can only watch once? Really? I know we cant do anything about it, but isn’t that why you should lower your prices? We’re trapped in your insane little expensive world!
• We don’t need porn on the TV’s in the rooms, save us all the trouble. Travel is not prison, it’s not like I haven’t seen a woman in 5 years.

Anyone else have some insight? Sam maybe, you wanna ring in, Mr. Hospitality? Does the Westin care about it’s guests, or do they have the same problems?