Genesis 3 - The Fall of Mullens

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The Craigslist Scammer tricks the woman into riding a Chinese scooter, which she gives to her husband, bringing sin and scooter death unto the world.

Genesis 3

1 Now the Craigslist Scammer was more cunning than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said unto the woman, “Yea, hath God said, ‘Ye shall not ride every scooter of Asia?’”

2 And the woman said unto the serpent, “We may ride the scooters of Asia, Honda, Yamaha, and Genuine Scooter Company, which the LORD God had made: (3) But of the scooter of Craigslist which is of China, God hath said, Ye shall not buy of it, neither shall ye ride it, lest it die.”

4 And the Craigslist Scammer said unto the woman, “It shall not surely die: (5) For God doth know that in the day ye ride thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing Chinese good. Ye shall possess disc brakes, remote start, and engineering similar to the Honda scooters, which the LORD God also had made.”

6 And when the woman saw that the Scooter was good for features, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a 150cc water-cooled engine to be desired to make one fast and quiet, she took of the scooter thereof, and did ride, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did buy it.

7 And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were foolish and broke; and they changed the fluids, and made themselves new gaskets.

8 And they heard the voice of the LORD God walking in the garage in the dry afternoon: and Lach and Kari hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God amongst the cars of the garage. (9) And the LORD God called unto Lach, and said unto him, “Where art thou?” (10) And Lach said, “I heard thy voice in the garage, and I was afraid, because I was poor; and my feet are sore from walking.” (11) And God said, “Why were you walking from Montrose, Hast thou ridden the scooter, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not buy?” (12) And the man said, “The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the Craigslist Scammer, and I did buy the scooter.” (13) And the LORD God said unto the woman, “What is this that thou hast done?” And the woman said, “The Craigslist Scammer beguiled me, and I did ride.”

14 And the LORD God said unto the Craigslist Scammer, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all Craigslist, and above every angry blogger; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life: (15) And I will put enmity between thee and the Mullens, but you will not be punished in this life, because Christians aren’t to sue one another.”

16 Unto the woman he said, “I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy transportation; in sorrow thou shalt go to work; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, but he shall be without a vehicle.”

17 And unto Lach he said, “Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of Kari, and hast purchased the scooter of China, of which I commanded thee, saying, ‘Thou shalt not purchase of it:’ cursed is the pavement for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou walk of it all the days of thy life, upon thy four-wheeled contraptions shalt thou go, and gas shalt thou buy all the days of thy life. (18) Pollution also and gas prices shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt drive alone with three empty seats; (19) In the ache of thy muscles shalt thou walk home, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.

20 And Lach called his wife’s name Kari; because he had to carry everything wherever he walked now.

21 Unto Lach also and to his wife did the LORD God make Lance run well, and be inexpensive to repair.

22 And the LORD God said, “Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know Chinese good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the Japanese brands, and ride, and smile for ever:”

23 Therefore the LORD God sent the Mullens forth from Craigslist, to walk and drive the four wheeled vehicles.

24 So he drove out the man; and he placed at the top of his bank account zeroes, and a broken scooter which could not even be driven to the shop, to keep the way of the Japanese brands.